I know, I know…

Posted by Dalia on January 10, 2012 in Surrogacy |

I’ve been a bad girl and haven’t kept everyone in the loop. After my transfer in November I went into hiding…intentionally. One of the main reasons I decided to share my surrogacy journey was to share it all, not just the sunshine and rainbows portion. I didn’t do that. I apologize. I’ll share now.

My November transfer failed and quite honestly I felt like crap. We get ourselves completely med up with all these hormones preparing our bodies, we go through our own superstitious routines, and of course we go in 100% positive and knowing we will come out of that transfer pregnant. And then reality has a funny way of reminding you life doesn’t always go the way you planned. So I hid my disappointment because it was just easier that way. I belong to an amazing support group of surrogates online who made things easier for me. But I must admit my jealousy in seeing these other fine ladies coming away from their transfers with the results I expected. Of course I’m happy for them, but I wanted that, too.

Now I know this in no way compares to the women who are themselves infertile or unable to carry their own children. I will not pretend to know what they experience in life and I will definitely not compare my disappointment in my failed transfer to their struggles. I did feel cruddy, though, and I felt bad for my awesome IF (intended father), I’d let him down. I had success with my first surrogate journey in becoming pregnant with Viktoria with our first embryo transfer. I expected the same this time around and was met with the reality that is IVF…it’s unpredictable.

After I had my little pity party I dusted myself off and got ready for our next attempt. I was lucky to start my monthly visitor almost immediately and quickly got the ball rolling to cycle again. After a 16 November transfer I was able to just barely squeeze myself in for a 23 December transfer. That was quick! I didn’t even care that it had me flying home on Christmas Eve. I wanted to do it again and get me knocked up. :-) Being a frozen transfer, meds protocol is slightly different and of course my doctor had a few other tweaks to make, to ensure the best chance for success this time around. Slight changes were made with my estrogen and progesterone protocol and a new med was added, lovenox. For those of you unfamiliar with it, lovenox is an anticoagulant therapy used in IVF to help increase bloodflow to the uterus, preventing blood clots that may keep an embryo from surviving and for some women keeping them from miscarrying. The drug itself is often used in those with blood clotting disorders, people preparing for heart surgeries and other issues. Isn’t modern medicine amazing? :-)

So we’ve changed things up a bit for this second try and again we went in with our positive attitudes and prepared ourselves for a successful transfer. And guess what…we did it…WE ARE PREGNANT!! So here I sit today 5 weeks along in this pregnancy excited, nervous, and trying to take it day by day. I know those of you unfamiliar with IVF are probably doing the math right now and saying to yourselves “What…5 weeks? That doesn’t add up.” There’s that modern science thing again, a hard thing for me to get used to when I first started surrogacy. But yeah…5 weeks along. :-)

After the transfer I actually started testing at home 3 days past. I know, I know…they tell us not to so we don’t get excited or upset with whatever those results are. But let’s face it, I’m just not a patient person and I wanted to be able to give my IF some good news on New Year’s Day if we did indeed have a positive. I started getting positive results on day 4 and the lines just got darker from there. And then I had the awesome idea of taking a picture of myself with a digital test that said “pregnant” to text my IF on New Year’s midnight. It was a wonderful idea, I was so excited but it meant me holding out on him for a few extra days. But being that even Kenny (my husband) thought it was a fun way of telling him I knew I HAD to do it.

Then life decided to mess with my awesome idea and I started to bleed 7 days after my transfer. Not spotting, no tinges with a wipe, just straight up bleeding bright red blood. Oh crud…you have got to be kidding me?! Really?! I know bleeding is common with IVF but I’d personally hadn’t heard any stories of women bleeding so early after transfer. Most stories I’d heard were 5 or 6 weeks along. But there I was, bleeding and I started to feel crushed all over again. I called my doctor and let him know (truth is they can’t do anything about it, but you need to let your doctor know regardless) and I vegged out for the next few days, feet up as much as possible and lots and lots of water. What else could I do?

I also had to call my IF earlier than I’d anticipated. I was really looking forward to that amazing New Year’s midnight reveal but I couldn’t do it that way anymore. I called him and explained my positive home results but let him that I was indeed bleeding. He’s amazing, I have to tell you. He took it all so well and we went on with our positive attitudes and minds on an awesome successful transfer. Beta day came (our official pregnancy blood test) a few days later and we were greeted with a wonderful, healthy number. Two days later another great number. We did it. We made it through a nervous few days. The bleeding stopped 4 days after it started.

 One of the pictures I’d planned to share with IF on New Year’s midnight.

So what’s next? We wait. Of course. LOL :-) We have one more beta (our doctor loves them numbers) and if all looks good we will have an ultrasound next week, on week 6. We’ll see how many little ones we have growing in there (we transferred two) and we get to see heartbeats and all that fun stuff. I’ve also made a decision. I won’t hide anymore. I hid after my failed transfer and I hid while I was bleeding and scared and thought I was losing that pregnancy. I want to share it all because I’ve actually found it helps to do so. To just let it out and admit my concerns. It also helps to share for other surrogates who may experience the same. If one new or even an experienced surrogate comes across a post and is able to see that someone else had the same symptoms, fears, medical stumbles, etc…if me sharing can help someone else if even for just a short moment, well then it’s worth it.

Next week…the ultrasound. I’ll be back to share more then. Promise! :-D

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